Blessed

Given the precarious state in which we evaluate ourselves in today’s lousy modern world (or postmodern, call it what you want), the emotional sphere is bound to generate some status anxiety in all of us, no less from the material sphere. Indeed, self-conception has become so fragile that one can feel the highest of highs when his or her name is remembered or when a card or a fruit basket is received. On the other hand, one’s balloon of self-image is deflated when one is treated with disregard.

What is the predominant impulse that drives us to be loved? Why do we behold the affections of others and allow their actions to leave a mark on our latent self-assessment?

For starters, as social beings, our sense of identity has the nagging tendency to be held captive by the perceptions of others. No matter how much we try to deny it, the “other” plays a significant role in our lives. Their actions matter to us because we tend to see ourselves as how they would perceive us. This happens because we are plagued by a congenital uncertainty regarding our value in society. If the “other” can elicit such responses from us, what about the impact of our “significant others”?

I shudder while I imagine the magnitude of their actions. In my opinion, the ideal would be for people to be resolute and pay no heed as to whether they are treated well or otherwise. Delving deeper, we would not be easily seduced or wounded. However, all my ideals melted yesterday when I accompanied a friend to hospital. She needed to treat an infected toe and two of us were there to provide her with moral support and from another point of view, entertainment. All calm before the storm.

And as we were there together, her fears eased and while it still was a “never done this before” experience, a quiet confidence slowly developed. While bounded rationality would have a lot to say about yesterday’s incidents, no branch of philosophy or rational analysis could have captured the effect. To even attempt to do so would do nothing but injustice to that beautiful moment. It was SO REAL. Existentialism, eat your heart out!

While the operation was underway, I had a good few moments by myself. And I pondered my own operation at the end of last year. My toe was not the problem but my b@*ls. But no one was there in my time of trial. And as I endured the long wait (No thanks to the doctor who kept me in anticipation), I felt so alone. So alone that I marveled at how blessed my friend was to have people to care for her and encourage her.

It struck me then and there that so many moments in my life happened in stark contrast to her time of trial. Standing alone, fighting alone and winning alone may be good, but only for a while. For when you do that, that’s all you’re going to have. Yourself. And when you’re weary and go back to the well for that second wind only to find that it isn’t there anymore, who is going to lift you up? It was the “others” who helped Moses raise his hands when all his strength faded away and the battle was won. No matter what the triumph, no matter what the test, it suddenly seemed that I was a “successful failure.”

I have left my friend in good spirits. She went through her trial in faith and I say without reservation that she is splendid in every way. I’m thankful that in the process of fulfilling the commandment to care for one another, I learned something for myself as well. When I served in church, it was the fulfillment of all my boyish hopes. My life has turned many pages since I took the altar call all so many years ago, and many dreams have since died, but I still remember the refrain of the ballad that proclaimed “One set of footprints in the sand…Oh yes, at last I understand.” And while I am thankful that I was carried, a few extra footprints along the way isn’t such a bad thing after all.

And like the man facing the sea in the picture, I still stand alone in many aspects of my life. I need a new song. “Oceans will part” kk thanks. :) It is my desire to try to do my duty as God gives me light to see that duty but this time, I want to do it together with the people whom I love.

Goodbye.

P.S. Dedicated to my two friends who reminded me how important fellowship is. Indeed, we're all blessed.